My loneliness, how uneasy it feels.

 I'm a lonely woman these days.  At 58 years of age, my life consists of a small world that includes a husband, two adult daughters, a dog and two elderly parents.   That's it, that's all. I used to have girlfriends, but they've all gone somewhere else and our contact has been limited to our Facebook page and an occasional text message.  I miss them. A lot. 

I don't work outside the home anymore, my husband decided to retire early, so I quit my job at a retail store, and thought I could wait him out. But it's been nearly a year waiting, and it's taking a toll.  I had a few friends at the store, and enjoyed their company, but it never turned into the friendships I used to know. The kind where we'd go out after work, or do things on the weekend, no, my retail friendship was coupled with lunch breaks and on-the-floor gossip.  But after I quit, just as I figured it would go, I've lost all contact with the ladies I worked with, unless I go into the store directly.  I miss them too. 

 For  the past few years, my daughters grew up fast, and started to like the same things I'm interested in, so I had my girls to do things with.  Not a lot of things, but things to look forward too.  Spa days, shopping, errands, movies, family vacations, even a concert or two.  My daughters mean everything to me, but I understand their lives are taking off, and they want to be with their own friends, they are looking to start their lifelong careers, I will not, could not get in the way of that.  So little by little they are starting to say no to my ideas of togetherness, and I get it. 

There are times when I wander around the Mall alone and see a woman who's about the same age as me, she's alone too, and I wonder if she looks at me and thinks "she looks nice, I bet we'd get along".  But we don't say anything, we walk opposite ways, maybe a polite smile, maybe she'll hold up and item to me and ask if it's nice.  But  society has taught to mind our own business, and talking to strangers out of the blue is something weird to do without a patterned premise. 

A patterned premise, you know the ones, the ones that require a fee to be part of.  There are so many organizations out there for women like me, my age, looking around, hoping to connect,  and they've capitalized on that premise.  I mean, it's fine, and it probably works, I'm sure friendships are formed that way.   What if I don't connect with anyone, or I do and she doesn't have time for me after all, then I go back to being lonely and  I know myself, I won't go back to that setting. It doesn't feel natural.

Then there are other groups I've responded to of this type, ones that don't require a fee, just show up at time/place in hopes that I might fit in somewhere, but they always meet at odd times, and pick places I'm not willing to travel too, because of one reason or another. Or I am directed to the one gal who's a complete extrovert, who's the one doing all the organization and quite frankly scattered.  There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not the scattered type and I always hit a wall when talking to a person like that.  I ask questions and she doesn't answer because she's got a lot on her plate and I'd be a newbie who just needs to show up.  Again, it doesn't feel natural. 

One time when I was working in the store, a woman my age came in,  I guess she thought she could talk with me because she was a customer and I was helping her find some items, but as we talked it became effortless.  It was like there was something else besides customer/assistant relationship.  Everything she said, I could relate, and vice versa. It was smooth, natural, the way I always made friends in my history.  But she gathered her items and went to the check out.  She even came back to say thanks for the help and talk.   But she walked out of the store and never came back, at least while I was there. 

Another time was similar, but I was the customer in her store.  Same situation, but she was working and by the time I got the nerve up  to say "thank for your help, and maybe we could meet for coffee",  she was pulled away to help someone else. I thought I felt than pang of "I'm lonely too" from her, but I didn't get the chance to follow up.  I've been back to that store, but she's not there. 

Sometimes it really hurts me when I'm out and about, with either my husband or daughters, sometimes my mom, and I see a group of older women sitting at a table, laughing or engaged in deep conversations, it's clear for the whole world that they are great friends and probably have been for a very long time.   I think to myself, how wonderful for them, not to be alone and to have each other. I look away before I cry and reveal how I feel, I'm not sure they'd understand. 

Yes, my husband is my best friend, my daughters mean more than anything to me.  But I miss having a girlfriend. 

 I worry that I will ever have that kind of girlfriendship ever again, because I don't know where or how to turn. 

My loneliness, how uneasy it feels.  

Today, I was mad that my child, age 9, did not do her homework. 

It's my fault. 

Yesterday after school,  I asked her to do her homework, several times, but she was playing her video game.  She kept saying, "5 more minutes mommy". 

So I let her play 5 more minutes, more than once.  

I was watching Dr. Phil, so in reality I didn't want to get up and help her like I knew she would need.  It turned 5:pm and it was time to clean up the dishes in the sink,  and get ready to make dinner.  

I needed to clean the dishes in the sink, which I knew I should have done earlier, but I was busy cleaning up the living room, folding laundry, cleaning up after our pets, doing a general tidy up, after the mess that was left by my family. They seem to think it's my job to clean up after them, so shoes are flung every where, dirty clothes don't make it to the basket, food dishes are left where ever they had eaten,  and toothpaste that doesn't make it into their mouths when brushing somehow ends up in the sink basin or even mashed into the bathrug.    Because of the California drought we go by the rule "if it's brown flush it down, if it's yellow let it mellow", so the toilet gets quite stinky, and it's got to be cleaned at least every other day now.  So the dishes sat until it was time to make dinner.

My daughter finally looks up and says "I'll do my homework now mommy" just as my hands are wet and the water in the pot is starting to boil.  The oven is heating up and I need to get the chicken in the pan to put into the oven.  I am busy again. 

I tell her, "sorry kiddo, I can't help you now, I'm getting dinner ready and I can't help, you'll have to wait for daddy to get home".  She goes back to her video game, clearly happy she isn't being told to do her homework again. 

In my mind I know daddy won't help her, our other daughter, age 10,  will need him to help her with the math homework, which I won't do because frankly I'm no good at math, and he's got a Master's in Engineering, so math is his territory and I say that out loud.  Which by the way our older daughter is pretty good about homework, she gets it done without asking, except for the math part.  

My husband comes home from his job, and opens up a bag of chips, his appetizers if you will, and leaves a greasy spot on the counter where the chips spilled out.  I've asked him a million times to put them on a paper towel or plate to avoid the greasy spot, I even bought some paper plates he could use, but somehow he forgets every time.  I need to put the rice on, get the soup started and make some toast.  The oven is ready and I still hadn't put the chicken in the pan.  I ask my husband to help, he's usually really nice about it, but looks around and doesn't see what needs to be done. 

I feel like I'm barking orders at this point, "Put the soup on! Get the bread out! I need to finish cleaning the steamer dish!"  Every time, I get the deer in the headlight look from him, then he grins at me.  Its the same every night. 

So we finish dinner, this time we've eaten together, because earlier in the day I managed to clean off the dining table.  I hate that our dining table it a dumping ground for all the paperwork that comes into the house. Mail, done and outdated homework, paperwork from various places,  children's drawings, my fantasy backyard sketching, my husbands daily/weekly lists of projects,  stuff that can be recycled, but tends to stay on the table for too long.   It's nice, we all enjoy spending our time as family eating our meals. It really does feel nice.  But it doesn't happen often enough because of all the paper. 

So dinner ends, and my older daughter wants to do her math.  I start to clean up and ask my daughter again to do her homework.  But now she wants to take a shower, and I can't say no, it's 7:pm and her bed time is 9:pm, and I want her hair to dry before she goes to bed.  If she goes to bed with wet hair, she wakes up with some wicked tangles that are a bitch to comb out in the morning.  At 8:pm I ask her again to do at least 20 minutes of work and she wants to read. I give in, because she needs to read. Her reading isn't so good. We head to her bedroom and pick out some first-rate books. We spend a 4o minutes reading and going over the books. She's tired now, and we spend the rest of the evening talking about things, until she finally rolls over and drifts off to sleep.  I walk out into the living room, my husband is lazed out on the couch watching some kind of sport stuff, and my older daughter is texting with a friend.  

Again, I feel like I'm barking orders "get off the phone! Turn the TV off! Or at least turn the volume down!   Did you take your shower? Good! Go brush your teeth!  It's time for bed!"  

I look in the kitchen and only half the clean-up is done.  I don't want to finish it, I'm tired.  

So this morning, I look at my daughters homework still sitting on the counter where we left it, and I get mad.  No, not really mad at her, just mad that I didn't help her, because I know she needs it.  I feel lazy and kinda ashamed. I vow to help her tonight.  Lets hope nothing gets in the way.